It Began with the DateRapes
by yummycherrygum
Summary: It all began with the daterapes! Lots of 'em! And orgies and rapes and lots of stuff like that! maybe READ OR THE DEVIL WILL GET YOU! mwhahaha seriously


**Dude y'all, if you don't like weird stuff like rapes and think it's awful, 1) remember that you ARE in the M section, and 2) remember that the genre for this story is parody. Seriously. If you're touchy (AKA stuck-up) or grouchy (AKA me), don't even bother reading this.**

**Disclaimer: I OWN ALL OF HARRY POTTER!! YOU'RE ALL STEALING OFF ME!! Mwhahahaha, not really, I mean what's even the point of disclaimers in the Harry Potter section?...**

Getting smashed was one of Hermione's very favorite things to do, particularly in the company of a mass orgy. She got very drunk on Monday and Tuesday and Thursday. Wednesday was a particular favorite of hers to drown herself in booze. On Friday Winky accompanied her and tended to wander off and rape a few random customers. On Saturday she smoked pot _and _got smashed, a particularly excellent combination. Sunday was the Lord's Day and so she burned Bibles while getting drunk.

It was Wednesday and she was still halfway sober (or halfway drunk, as she chose to see it) and idly raping what could be either a turnip or Ron while she was waiting for her order of Viagra.

Voldemort sidled up to her.

"My homey schnizzel!" he exclaimed upon sighting her, his red eyes opened wide in delight. He was wearing baggy, torn jeans (the zipper was undone) and a shirt at least a dozen sizes too large for him (which read "Harry Potter is my home-dog"). A backwards baseball cap encased most of his sickly white, bony skull. On his feet were hot pink flip-flops that had large flowers on them, which squeaked at irregular intervals.

Hermione tried to bang fists with him, missed, and bopped Eeyore in the nose, which got him sobbing and blathering about he was raped by Christopher Robin. Voldemort killed him and sent him off to a dog-food factory, much to the delight of the rest of the world.

"So!" said Voldemort, slipping a neon tablet the size of his fist into Hermione's drink which, due to the fact that she is abysmally stupid, she failed to observe.

"You're _pretty_," she mumbled drunkenly, and began licking his toenails. They tasted like Neapolitan ice cream, which gave her a terrific orgasm.

In ten minutes Hermione was thoroughly date-raped, at which point she was passed around to various member of the bar (Malfoy, Hagrid, Dobby, Luna, and Hedwig) to be thoroughly raped. Hedwig was particularly brutal about it, and pecked out her left eye, which Voldemort seemed to enjoy as a cocktail dressing.

When she eventually woke up, she was in Dobby's scrawny arms, listening to his shrieks of delight. "I'm pleasuring you, Harry Potter's friend!!" he glawped. "Oh yes! Harry! Harry! Harry!"

Hermione decided to lay back and enjoy it. Dobby was of an excellent size.

Dobby, who had very little stamina, was soon finished with. Unfortunately, everybody else in the bar had by now been date-raped by Voldemort, and Voldemort by Mrs. Weasley, who was raping him while swinging from the chandelier.

Hermione wandered out into the street. Harry was getting wild with a half-dozen Death Eaters, smoking pot through his ears and eating worm babies straight from the ground. As most of them were hygienically pleasing, she skipped the chance for an orgy and continued on her way towards the suburbs of London, where Dudley Dursley and his various horny ten-year-old friends lived under benches in the park.

Unfortunately for the sexually needy Hermione, no horny ten-year-olds were to be found.

"Rawr?" mewed Hermione plaintively, beginning to masturbate over a terrific crop of snapdragon flowers. Fortunately, she was interrupted by a pack of werewolves.

"GraaaaaaaaaawRaaaaaaaawr!" she exclaimed, and leapt on the leading one, viciously d\subduing its half-hearted struggles through repeated rapes. However, she bit him too hard, swallowed a hairball, and died.

If only!

No, Hermione, after relieving some adrenaline on two dozen feral half-human creatures, bounded over to the Weasleys' house. Ginny was still lying in the bar, date-raped, and Mrs. Weasley was still raping Voldemort, and Ron had been eaten earlier that evening, and George had been unfortunately obliterated by a cockroach last week, but Fred and Mr. Weasley were at home. They were playing strip poker in the living room while taking turns to molest Pig, who cooed in delight.

"STRIP POKER!!!!!!!!!!!" Hermione squealed, taking advantage of the confusion to swiftly rape Fred, who thought she was Mr. Weasley and urged her to go harder.

"GROSS! BUT YES!" said Hermione, complying.

"EXSCUSE ME!" bellowed Mr. Weasley. "You're not being very INCLUSIVE, you know. This is Hogwarts all over again! So typical of horny girls! Either invite me in or LEAVE!"

Those seemed like good options, so Hermione went and drank out of the fishbowl instead. When she returned, the two Weasleys were feeding each other strawberries coated in semen, which would have delighted Hermione if it wasn't horrifically incestuous. Although, seeing as how she frequently date-raped her parents, that was highly hypocritical. Like that one time when she told that one dude to do that one thing, and I forget, he might've, or he might not have, I can't really remember, but it was like REALLY funny, you know…

So!

It was a pretty boring evening, really. She went back to the bar and stole several date-rape pills off Voldemort, who was now beneath Mrs. Weasley who was beneath Luna who was beneath Hedwig who had the worst of it, being beneath Hagrid.

Then she went out and date-raped!

**Yeah, so, I'm supposed to be writing an essay right now, but whatev, I have a 98 in English right now. Not that you could tell! Review or I'll eat your babies!**


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